In commemoration of the 21st anniversary of the enthronement of Jetsunma Ahkon Lhamo on September 24, we are presenting testimonials from Jetsunma’s students about her impact on their lives.
My mother said that when I was very young, I was compassionate. It seems to me now that perhaps this was, in part, the saving grace that led me to Jetsunma, despite the fact that my childhood was less than ideal (as it is for many people). At around four years old, I was (so a photograph shows), happy, cheerful and confident. The next photo, around five, shows bewilderment. By six or seven, this had evolved into sullenness. And so it went, as I evolved from painfully shy and unhappy to resentful, bitter and angry. I liked no one, and especially not myself.
I first encountered the Dharma in 1963 at the age of 16. I remember the incident, so fleeting, as though it were yesterday. I was on a long weekend home stay with a friend from a Catholic boarding school I soon discovered that her father was totally disrespected in his own home, apparently for being meek and mild and, horror of horrors, a Buddhist (whatever that was!). He was almost totally ostracised from family life and sat in a corner, reading a small book. I can see him now, calmly and peacefully abiding whilst all around him chaos and criticism reigned. It seems there was still a small vestige of compassion in me. It was this (and embarrassment at the father’s situation) that moved me to approach him at an opportune time and ask what he was reading. He smiled, pleased with my interruption and curiosity, and wordlessly passed the book to me. I do not remember what I read, but I do remember recognising the unmistakeable truth of what I read on the very first page. Mr. F. noted with a knowing smile my reaction and offered to lend me the book. Unfortunately my karma at that time was not such that I could accept what I now realise was the Dharma, and I backed off. I am now 62 and although I remember very little else about that weekend, this incident has stayed with me ever since.
Sometime around 1995 I became aware of and intrigued by the Dalai Lama, and started to acquire and read books on Buddhism by His Holiness and other teachers. By 1999 I considered myself to be a Buddhist in heart and mind. Around 2001 I came across The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying and, as for so many others, this became my “bible”. I decided to try and develop devotion to Guru Rinpoche, figuring that I had nothing to lose and possibly a lot to gain. Every day I prayed Guru Rinpoche, Precious One. You are the embodiment of the compassion and blessing of all the Buddhas … I decided I should become a student of Sogyal Rinpoche. I made contact with a group in Brisbane but my efforts to get to meetings met with obstacles. I let things be and continued with my own evolving practice. My habitual tendencies were not diminishing. If anything, they were growing worse. I was the man in “Groundhog Day”!
So I prayed to Guru Rinpoche to help me find a teacher, but really only in a lukewarm way because I have never liked being part of a group. Nevertheless, before long I attended a teaching by someone I greatly admire, Ani Tenzin Palmo. It was March or April 2008 and there I met and connected with Ani Tenzin Wangmo. I shall always be grateful that Ani La led me to Jetsunma. I jumped in pretty quickly after that, realising that Jetsunma was the remarkable Tulku I had read about some years earlier in Reborn in the West, but never dreaming that one day I would become her student.
Although I quickly recognised that Jetsunma is a remarkably gifted teacher of Dharma, devotion had to be manufactured, just as I had previously developed fledgling devotion to Guru Rinpoche on a nothing-to-lose basis. This time, though, the basis was do or die. I knew that I had come to an important crossroad in my life and now that I think about it, this is the only time I have ever actually recognised a crossroad at the time of arriving at it.
True devotion eluded me. I knew I had to develop devotion in order to proceed swiftly on the path and I longed to develop it. I wondered why it was not happening for me. When I listened to Jetsunma’s teachings, which I regularly did, I was enthralled and motivated whilst becoming more and more aware and truly regretful of my negative habits and unskilful actions. I recognised with utter clarity that I was walking on a tightrope above a deep and terrifying abyss. But still I persisted in the grip of the five poisons and lack of mindfulness; over and over my negative thoughts and actions played themselves out although slowly, slowly, there was minuscule movement of the scales. My thoughts were becoming less neurotic and judgemental, my heart more kind and open.
I continued to reflect on why I had not yet developed true devotion to Jetsunma and then, very recently, I read Michelle Grissom’s confession, and it seemed that virtually in an instant a veil was lifted from my mind and heart. I recognised Michelle’s poisons as my own (at least in part) and I also realised that the comments I had read on the Internet about the Buddha from Brooklyn had poisoned my mind even though I told myself at the time that I did not believe the negative things I was reading. I knew Jetsunma was the real deal. I knew she had deliberately taken rebirth to help all sentient beings. I knew my Lama was good and true and virtuous. And yet, a seed of doubt had been sewn that I had refused to acknowledge and deal with. And then Michelle’s confession miraculously set me free. Now, finally, I am on the cusp of true devotion.
How do I know?
I know because when I think of Jetsunma, love born of gratitude swells in my heart the way it does when I think of my dear mother who died in 2005, one day short of her 90th birthday. I have felt this kind of love for no one else. This realisation is very recent, very precious. I once read that the last thought a dying person has is of their mother. That may be so. However, I know that my mother of this life cannot ferry me to Dewachen; only Jetsunma, my root guru and my teacher, can do this. Therefore when the Lord of Death gives me my final illness, I hope and pray (and in fact truly expect) that it is Jetsunma, inseparable as she is from Guru Rinpoche, Kuntuzangpo and Buddha Amitabha, to whom I will turn in my hour of need.
Sherida
Brisbane, Australia
23/9/09